For so long I was blaming others for making me feel bad, mistreating me, lying to me, cheating on me, getting mad at me, breaking my heart and hurting my feelings.
I had this feeling of heaviness, like dragging a big chain in my belly, like if was choking with my own breath and it was killing me inside for a long, long, long period of time.
Until I discovered I was having a hidden affair with my inner critic and as in every toxic relationship, it was dragging me to a very dark place, yeah, she was such a B*tch.
This little B* is no fooling around or taking time off, vacations or pauses, it is ALWAYS THERE. It knows every move, every thought, every single trick of up in my sleeve. It sits next to me every meal, it showers with me, comes to work with me and never ever shut up.
The little B* is always the enforcer, demanding compliance to the acquired “Moral codes”, the “Must be” the “Set of standards” and uses fear, shame and guilt as its favorite weapons to make you feel like a complete loser, ugly and not worthy person ( Or at least that is the way it made me feel) and God, this little B* was brutally honest.
In my attempt of fixing everything my Little B* was telling me to fix, I just found myself more anxious and overwhelmed. My self-development nerd was failing all the tests because I was seeking the approval of others, conforming to an external standard, looking for love in the wrong people and the “stable life” we are supposed to have as young adults. And it was failing for one simple reason; I was not treating the symptoms, but just trying to heal a deep wound with a patch.
I needed to address the underlying causes, dig deeper, get a closer, look into the ashes of my self-esteem destroyed by my Little B*. So I started by becoming the observer. Every time I caught my Little B* whispering how fat I look today, or how unproductive I am because instead of reading a book I am watching Friends on Netflix, I observe, breath and shift the thought.
I ask myself if I would say all those things to a dear friend or family, I started cultivating more self-compassion. I started observing how the new habit of constant self-judgment diminished my strength, my inner power, my self-esteem. This is why, in order to bring our whole self to the experience, we must address the often unconscious, corrosive voice of the Little B*.
As an act of getting my inner power back and breaking free from my slavery status, I begin to acknowledge that I had a mistaken loyalty to my Little B* and accepting this fact, is the very first step in the path to freedom. I understood the root cause of my disease and this helped me realized the impact of being extremely critical of myself and of course how to disengage from its negative influence. Long story short, my action plan included the application of wisdom, self-compassion, patience, strength, resilience, and Love, Love, Love a loooooooot of Love, bunches of Love.
Coming to the acceptance that I am a human being, and I have flaws, and I make mistakes, and I cry and get mad, I have fears and dreams and it does not matter if my dreams were not a good fit according to the “Status Quo” description of success. I understood that my Little B* negative voice was somehow helping me, but it was not, this voice doesn´t believe in the basic human goodness, it only believes in following rules and moral codes and how we need to be as everyone else, act like everyone else, think like everyone else, in order to be accepted in our society.
Psychologically, the Little B* is the protector of my ego, and my ego is the monster behind my worsts attitudes towards myself and others. But now I am the observer, now I know my Little B* doesn’t know my soul, It doesn’t trust my heart to know how I feel, or how to be empathic and compassionate in relationships. It doesn’t have faith that my intuitive gut sense can guide me in situations I might be encountering for the first time.
In the movement from judgment to discernment, we can find the biggest solution. Because let´s remember that Judgment is the harsh, aggressive habit that shuts down the conversation, binds us to the past and old behaviors, and closes off our access to other opportunities. Yet, discernment makes space, and helps us to have perspective, and allows more of our humanity to show up. It helps us sort what is useful and what isn’t. And then we can decide our course of action.
We release ourselves from the misguided pursuit of perfection by mindfully embracing our flaws, shortcomings, warts, and all those rejected, painful, and scary aspects of ourselves as part of a whole. In my case, I released myself from the misguided pursuit of perfection, because I was completely OBSESSED to be the perfect daughter, the perfect Girlfriend, the Perfect Spiritual Coach, the perfect Student… but perfection does not exist. Every time we want something to be perfect it will be temporary, is simply the Law of impermanence and as is in our nature, we will always be striving for the “Best next thing” and ways to improve ourselves.
I exposed my imagined imperfections to the fierce fires of wisdom, strength, and love, and in so doing, I learned to turn lead into gold and finally accept (I even keep working on that, is a life time work) myself as I am right now. That is the biggest act of self-Love I believe a human being can have for his soul and the best way to make the Little B* step out of our heads.