The subtle Art of not dying: Memoir of my suicidal self

 

For those pushing themselves to the bleeding edge of the so popular “success”, our own minds can be a form of personal Burning Hell. And for me, it’s a place I’ve found myself in far too many times when I decided to become an entrepreneur, I strived to achieve and “be somebody important” (according to with the Status Quo definition) at the expense of my own mental health and well-being; of naively believed that one day after I reach my entrepreneurial goal (which at the time I had no clue what would this be) I would start being intentional with my life.

I spent 365 days of my life in excruciating pain. In 2015 I had the fortune of tasting the acid flavor of depression. I thought it was just an extended sadness handed by anxiety attacks and a LOT of red wine and isolated Netflix sessions in the dimness of my room. But honestly, I never considered the fact I was going through depression or maybe I was just prideful to admit I was powerless and needed help.

 

 

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The whaperiodically thought of ending my pain by switching off the life button arose my mind once again. I mean, in that time my so desired “Be your own boss” lifestyle was something I thought impossible and just for those young post-millennials kids starting in their early twenties. The self-defeating thoughts were driving me insane, I clearly remember the dark voices in my head seducing me to get out of my body and set myself free from all the sorrow. It was time to go, it was time to leave and start all over. Find peace, find the happiness I was longing for and could not find anywhere but in the thoughts of death. 

In midst of my emotional and mental collapse, I remembered two suicide attempts I have had during my teenage, those memories somehow triggered a breakthrough inside me and that day (February 23rth), when I made a pact to myself that I no longer and under any circumstance would surrender to my suffering. I realized I hadn´t truly been trying to kill myself, I was just trying to see if I could I really feel anything through the suffocating ache of my loneliness. But as Ryan Holiday would say, The obstacle became the way of my recovery” and so, I decided that I would speak up, seek help, tell my story and begin the journey to recovery, spiritual healing and then help other entrepreneurs going through the same, get out of the spiral, recover, get the meaningful and enjoyable balanced life we all deserve to have.

 

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I started developing new habits, new mindsets, new ways of living and suddenly, I felt enlightened, like if someone woke me up from a dream, my eyes were opening for the first time. I started seeing the world through the eyes of a child. I literally felt I had a second chance and this time the tears on my face were from happiness and not pain.

My biggest problem was so obvious, I was comparing myself to others and I was having unrealistic expectations of the success that I believed I should be having.

“Depression among entrepreneurs is much higher than depression among Americans in general, which is estimated at about 7% — although that number could be even higher because of the stigma associated with talking about it.” Business Insider

 

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I would love to share some hacks I followed in order to heal:

  1. Accept my struggles and share my real feeling with people I love
  2. Surrender to the fact I am not in control of anything but the way I react to life circumstances so I can build mental resilience
  3. Transform my sadness into anger and use anger as a catalyst of change by assigning a meaning into my suffering
  4. Start feeding my mind and body with the right food, the right information and of course a good sleep
  5. Working out daily routine and meditation (Without excuse)
  6. Detachment of my self-worth to the success of my company or validation of another human being
  7. Limit my inputs so I do not get anxious about over working
  8. Surround my self with people I love and admire

¨To the person in the mirror I have seen too often. so sad and love stricken. no light no fight just emptiness in sight. feeling lost and feeling frightened. but always remember there’s a brighter day, this pain will go away. you will be fully alive one day looking back laughing saying I did it I survived.¨ -David S.

For my dear friends out there suffering from depression or anxiety, just remember we are always a thought away from happiness, a decision away from healing, an emotion away from pain. Believe me, If I was able to get through it, so as you. My dear friends, it does not matter how dark and cold you feel your vortex is, please, please, please, always remember that is all about having a little willingness to alleviate your soul and witness your pain eventually subsiding into healing.

A Dedication From FoodToHeal To Chester Bennigton and everyone in the same boat out there. 
Reach Out To Us – WE WILL BE THERE:

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