This past week I would say has been a tough week. After going through a roller coaster of emotions, I realized it’s here; the clouds I fear the most and the clouds I work hard to avoid; is on its way to demolish me.
Slowly losing energy , feeling drained the hate for light and the wish to be a vampire has became the symptoms of my best friends on their way to my life. Depression and Anxieties have been my best friends since young.
I’ve soon managed to control them from effecting my everyday life with food, determination , mind -positive manipulation and tons of One Ok Rock music. However, there are times where even I can’t control them but I can detect them. Like before a storm you see the clouds, the same with my symptoms, — they’re the clouds before the biggest storm.
How and when I befriended my worst nightmares — was when I started analyzing and observing myself. My mind and body — how they react. My sensitivity towards light especially sunlight and my appetite towards food. My need for sugar and my love for being alone and away from social media. I observed how I lack the motivation to be mobile and how much effort it took to do the simplest tasks even one of my comforts of life “Cooking”.
My symptoms are engraved in tears, sweat, blood and ultimate surrendering . Do you resonate?
The Sunshine Hurts Me.
Before my attacks start which I have almost once a month, I realize the dawn of sunrise hurts me. I realize that the brightest of sun, which wakes the world is something that makes my heart feel squished to a corner. As if the sun is shrinking and drying out the functions of my heart.
I used to fight this feeling, I used to say I can and I will do it and the harder I fight the weaker I get. The harder I detest the worse it gets. I realized the best way when this happens is to give my light sensitiveness time to adapt , move from my darker corner of the bed as time passes and accept that waking up now is pointless and giving myself the time to compose myself and work when I’m at my utmost productivity is the best for both my physical and mental state .
Moving as the sun goes down and slowly gaining my composure.
I used to stress why am I like this but the one thing I realized is, I can only adapt to my time and adapt to my body and no one else.
So, if you find yourself being sensitive to light, wanting to be a vampire for the day let it be and let yourself embrace the life of being a vampire for the day.
Life is better when you focus on bettering yourself and then the world around you.
Motivation and Drive To Close The Doors.
The thing is the symptoms build up for a week or more. If you’ve never observed it then you should try . Once you’re used to it, you’ll realize there’s a pattern and that pattern comes in parts, not all in one day but in tiny bits and pieces.
My light sensitivity is then followed by an intense amount of adrenaline. I used to unleash this by swimming and working. It puts me in a spiral where there’s never lacking any energy. I fight to close the doors of my friends traveling to my brain. To shut down the bubbling flashbacks and the nostalgic conversation all three of us would be having with a cup of brain juice inside my head.
This motivation keeps me hyped and allows me to prepare for the next stage. However, this is the best time for me to prepare my meals for the next days when I will be physically and mentally incapable of doing anything.
Like storing nuts for the winter, I prepare my brain food upfront to help ease a sick child back to health.
P.S: Meal Prep is amazing for those who are suffering from or are recovering from Depression.
Giving Up and Breathing Difficulties
Personally, this would be my hardest battle. Like a bus which is clogged up and struggles to reach the next destination- my heart and lungs feel the same. Reaching a state of panic, my heart starts pumping and my esophagus seems to be closing in on each other. My lungs begging for air and seems to expand till it’s going to burst and shrinks as if it’s drying out in the Sahara dessert.
The voices in my head keeps on whispering the past, the present and the future in an eerie voice. It screams of my failures, it screams of my pain, it screams of the corner house of time that I wouldn’t want to visit. I feel like giving up, letting everything go, sleeping and hoping it will come to an end.
I slowly seep into the regret of not being able to impact the world or regret of not achieving my goals. These thoughts linger, even though I know it’s a phase that I have to go through, like a dark tunnel fighting for light and I’m completely aware of the feelings being superficial and in my head — It doesn’t have a physical form or it isn’t part of reality.
If you recall my meal preps, I’ve always included ton’s of tomatoes, mustard greens, bananas, and berries. Whole grain or long korn rice and some protein. This meal prep is specifically meant to help me calm down and relax with all its components.
All these food properties complement each other to give me the serotonin I need to at least stay calm until this phase passes.
Surrendering and Inability To Move
Finally, I reach the stage of surrendering. Surrendering to my feelings, surrendering to my past, surrendering to my thoughts and surrendering to all the externalities
Bear in mind, surrendering doesn’t mean accepting and agreeing that this is real. Instead, I surrender to let it go, to move on and to move forward. To remind me that this negativity and this pain is only temporary. I lay there like a plant and fall asleep, drowning the sounds and the tune of my best friends.
My favorite band playing in the background to help me ease myself into the womb — I let it be. Sometimes it seems like, I’m being cowardly but in the process of recovering I realized that along with a proper diet, giving time to myself is equally important.
Breathing and Drinking Tea With My Clouds
After all this, I sit there silent looking forward to the next day. Looking forward to the next dawn where the sun doesn’t frighten me as much as it did 2–3 days back.
I sit there befriending my depression and anxieties sipping black tea with them. Bidding them farewell until they come back to visit me again. Sometimes our worse nightmares are not something we should be fearful off instead it’s something to accept and befriend.
When we are scared of something, we give it the power to control us. We give it the ammunition to dominate and take control of our mind, body, and soul. Hence, befriending it seems easier than it is to being afraid of it.
Sun Tzu once said, “Keep Your Friends Close but Your Enemies Closer”.
If depression and anxieties are your enemies, keep them closer you’ll find it easier to tackle then pushing them away. Like a storm, they retaliate but like vapor, with the right method, you can easily evaporate them.
To lighten up this downwards spiraling party, I’m going to share my personal fav component of my meal prep. My favorite breakfast and my one meal I look forward too during this period. If it helps feel free to let me know.
10 Min Prep Time, Perfect For Breakfast — energy, serotonin and stress relievers.
1 1/2 Cup of Natural Yogurt
1 Frozen Banana
1 Small Beet, Cut and Peeled
1 Cup of Fresh Berries, if you don’t find fresh then frozen would do.
1 Cup of Fresh Blue Berries or Raspberries, if you don’t find fresh then frozen would do
1 Cup of Hemp Seed (Optional)
A handful of mint leaves. If you don’t find mint leaves then you can skip this or replace it with a hint of basil.
Other Fruits : Apples, Pomegranate, Cherries (Optional)
Put them all together and blend them until you find a smooth consistency. If you find it too diluted, you can add a few tablespoons of coconut milk to thicken it. If you prefer it for a warm day, then you can also add some crushed ice while blending.
This smoothie is rather flexible hence if you would like some small chunks of fruit then you can finely chop some bananas and toss in some fruit to the mixture.
Depression and Anxieties are a common taboo that we dare not speak off. We prefer covering it with a blanket and putting a mask on our faces. However the one way to reduce or tackle it, is to be open about it . Just like how we are about all other worldly issues .